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The Times
  • Gary Brown: Odd holidays make for an interesting month

  • I’m considering these things because September is National Strategic Thinking Month and I’m trying to plan ahead.

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  • Saturday starts International Enthusiasm Week. Get psyched. Sept. 1 also is Calendar Adjustment Day. Adjust what? Is it crooked on the wall? Or do we just adjust it to another month. Skip ahead to October.
    I’m considering these things because September is National Strategic Thinking Month and I’m trying to plan ahead. I don’t want to get to the end of Sept. 28 — Hug A Vegetarian Day — and realize that all my squeezes that day had been carnivores.
    And how are we going to participate in Remember to Register to Vote Week, Sept. 23-29, if we don’t even know it exists until Sept. 30?
    In this space we are ever vigilant about the goofy holidays that are approaching. Regular readers — and by that I mean those who already are aware that September is Be Kind To Editors and Writers Month — know that we study each month’s holidays, seeking out the oddest among them. It is by knowing our oddest celebrations that we truly can tell how close our civilization is to ending. September is Shameless Promotion Month. So we might want to start burying all our important stuff for the next civilization.
    We won’t go hungry, however. September is National Fruit and Veggies Month, National Chicken Month, Apple Month, Chili Peppers and Figs Month, National Mushroom Month, National Prime Beef Month, National Rice Month, Passion Fruit and Peach Month, Peas and Radish Month, Whole Grains Month, and, regrettably, Great American Low-Cholesterol, Low-Fat Pizza Bake Month. There really should be no place in our world for a healthful pizza.
    Our civilization also will have plenty of fun on its way out. Sept. 4-8 are Play Days, Sept. 10-19 is Line Dance Week, and Sept. 6-8 is the Popcorn Festival. I don’t know where.
    Certainly we will go out with good intentions. September is Baby Safety Month, Backpack Safety America Month, National Skin Care Awareness Month, Sports and Home Eye Health and Safety Month, and September Is Healthy Aging Month. September is actually made part of the name of that last celebration. I guess the calendar people figure that as we get older we’ll forget.
    Now, if our civilization does end with September — and the last day is Blasphemy Day, that can’t be good — it won’t be for lack of our trying to maintain it.
    September is National Preparedness Month and Pleasure Your Mate Month. Of course, it’s also Happy Cat Month and National Coupon Month.
    We’ve got Build A Better Image Week Sept. 16-22 and National Clean Hands Week on the same days. That’s wise. Dirty hands would hurt your image.
    But there also are some pretty meaningless days. Sept. 1 is National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day. I have no idea what that’s all about. Sept. 15 is Big Whopper Liar Day. Don’t believe anything you hear. Sept. 16 is Stay Away From Seattle Day. I’ll bet their Chamber of Commerce loves that. And Sept. 22 is Car Free Day. Remember, the “Car” comes before “Free.” It means don’t drive for the day, not go onto a car lot and drive off in a free one.
    Page 2 of 2 - Sept. 6 is Be Late For Something Day. Wait, no, that’s Sept. 5. So if civilization ceases on that day, we apparently get 24 extra hours.
    Contact Gary Brown at gary.brown@cantonrep.com.
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