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The Times
  • Jim Hillibish: No men’s rooms! No urinals!

  • The glamorous news at Jerry Ford’s house is they are naming an aircraft carrier after him. The clamorous news is this most modern of warships has no urinals. What?

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  • The glamorous news at Jerry Ford’s house is they are naming an aircraft carrier after him. The clamorous news is this most modern of warships has no urinals. What?
    Sure bet: Urinals soon will be on CNN. A big fight’s brewing over them. It’s the women, and they’re winning, of course.
    The theory is restroom rights. The target is all those restrooms labeled “Men.” They are sexist, and the most sexist monument to sexism is the urinal, which actually is fairly unsexy.
    The revolution’s goal is “all restrooms are created equal,” meaning unisex. Urinals will be ripped from walls, stomped by crowds of feminists and recycled into diapering tables. They’re firing the first shots on the U.S.S. Gerald Ford.
    It’s a combination of Obama defense cuts, the Navy’s gender-neutral PR campaign and the screams of delight from every sailor who ever scrubbed a head (Navy for restroom), which is all of them.
    This is what we get when females are admirals. What next, zippers on swabbies’ flys? (When they say “button up” on a ship, it’s not “close the portholes.”)
    Hey, Barack, what kind of liberal utopia cannot afford urinals? Will conservative protesters shout, “Hey, hey U.S.A., how ya gonna pee that way?” Of course they will, perhaps.
    Imagine a Navy without urinals. So you’re taking a whiz and “battle stations” sounds:
    Urinal: Button up and run.
    Toilet: Locate fly buttons, closure, flush, open door, disinfect hands, forgot hat on hook, go back. Rats, forgot to lower seat. By then, the war’s over.
    And think of the battles in your own home over the seat position, down and locked or raised and ready. Transfer this to 5,000 Ford sailors of both sexes, and you have a riot.
    “Failure to lower seat, toilet” will be a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, Article P.
    I know from experience when you put a sailor near a toilet, it’s at least a 15-minute wait, longer with photo magazines. That’s going to wreak hell on readiness.
    On the plus side, women will no longer feel second class. (Urinals are efficient only if you have the right equipment.)
    The Navy says urinals stink worse than toilets. Toilets clean with a swish. Urinals clean with a toothbrush and a sailor on probation.
    Active-duty sailors are celebrating. It’s the Navy vets who are screaming:
    “Nanny Navy.”
    “The ship will sink without urinals for ballast.”
    “Way too politically correct.”
    Then some writer, probably a woman, pointed out:
    “Hey, do you have urinals at home?”
    Thusly soiled, the veterans slink back to their Military Channel, you know, where men always stand up for their rights and shoot straight.
    Page 2 of 2 - Contact Jim Hillibish at jim.hillibish@cantonrep.com.
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