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The Times
  • The Guy’s Perspective: Betrayal through texting

  • Q. For the past week, my girlfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some guy that she says is just a friend. She gets off work around midnight, and from midnight until about 2 a.m. they are texting back and forth. She says they’re just friends and this guy is having troubles with his girlfriend.

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  • Q. For the past week, my girlfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some guy that she says is just a friend. She gets off work around midnight, and from midnight until about 2 a.m. they are texting back and forth. She says they’re just friends and this guy is having troubles with his girlfriend.
    I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When she got in the shower, I checked her messages and saw a few texts from him using pet names.
    I was very upset and confronted her and confessed to looking through her phone. Then I asked her what was going on. She basically denied everything and said I was reading too much into everything, and then accused me of betraying her by going through her phone.
    Later on she came to me crying and said she wants to be with me, but still won’t admit to doing anything wrong.
    I don’t know what to do. I love her, but I’m not sure if I can trust her anymore.
    Steve
    Dear Steve,
    Thanks for your question.
    I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.
    Curiosity is what drives people to ferret through their host’s medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what compels people to snoop through their partner’s phone. I totally understand why you went into detective mode, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. It’s a breach of trust. However, it’s hardly a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that she’s been doing “something” behind your back. She’s the one who’s likely betraying you.
    I interpret her tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because she’s scared that you’ll break up with her. They could also be tears of sadness because although she cares for you, she ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.
    Is her betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you, Steve.
    Some questions you have to ask yourself: Do I believe her story? Can I trust her again? Do I believe she won’t do this again? Does she truly love me in the way I want to be loved? What drove her to do this, and is that particular issue something that can be addressed? What kind of woman do I want to be in a relationship with? Am I able to forgive her and move past this?
    Page 2 of 2 - Steve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your girlfriend. I would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)
    Good luck and take care.
    Saelen Ghose is the head writer for The Guy’s Perspective, a popular relationship blog and website. Over the course of his tenure he has responded to thousands of relationship questions, and while he hasn’t solved every problem, he has provided a thoughtful perspective on every question received. If you have a relationship question of your own, please email tgpadvice@gmail.com. Saelen will do his best to answer your question. Please limit your question to 200 words or less. For more from The Guy’s Perspective, visit www.theguysperspective.com.
     
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